Have you ever felt so stressed out by every facet of your life... that you just wanted time to stop so you could just have a moment's peace to just think about everything? I feel so mediocore in everything, especially in school. It feels like I'm fucking failing every single class (failing = B in Asian terms), even when I try my hardest. I guess that's college for you. I really do wish that high school could've prepared me more, made me more efficient in everything, like studying, writing... it's all so different now. It kinda sucks that I'm feeling this way, wanting to give up already. Not necessarily give up, but I'm honestly over school at this moment. I'm fucking tired of just driving to school, going to class, and then leaving. I fucking wish that I was more involved; joining clubs and making new friends. I fucking wish that I was able to go out more (sorry fambam, but I'm in that mode again where I'm just disliking my parent's morals and values). UGH, I just wish that I was capable of doing more. I honestly don't think that anyone understands me, except for my brothers since they practically know me forever. Although, my parents do know me... but to a certain extent. No one knows how I feel or what I go through. I feel that I'm the most... caged up person in my group of friends. I'm not allowed to go anywhere without a week's notice, 7:30pm is just too late for my parent's taste, and that "clubbing" is just not permitted, EVEN when I turn 21. Kind of hard to picture being in my shoes, right? Idk, I just feel that I'm being held back from everything, not being able to experience things that I should be (at least in American stereotyping standards, such as college parties and whatnot). But a part of me says, "I don't need to go partying or clubbing, or getting fucked up by alcohol (especially the latter)." But there's no hurt in at least trying it, right? I think I'm one of those home-y type people. You know, those people who just stay at home on Friday and Saturday nights with nothing to do but blog about how the world is against them while eating fatty foods like ice-cream. Yep, I think I'm that type of person, at least now. Don't get me wrong, those type of people have nothing to be ashamed of... but we can't help but feel alone by staying at home - (READ THIS) AND WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE CRITICISM FROM OTHERS. FUCK. YOU GUYS JUST MAKE IT HARDER TO EVEN FEEL THIS WAY... Do you think we need to hear from YOU about OUR OWN circumstances? Fuck you... Just go to your fucking party and get wasted instead of making me feel worse... I think... that I'm really wearing a mask, hidden behind this facade that I'm always the "happy-go-lucky-girl-who-takes-pictures-every-single-fucking-second" ... just to hide everything else. Yeah, I think that's it. I have to live up to the standards that I have created for myself... which is pretty damn sad. It's hard being this age, a college student, when you're constantly being judged on how you look, how you dress, what you do, how you talk... GOSH! I know we're constantly being stereotyped throughout our lives... but... Idk... I guess this is just me ranting about my current situation... I was having a bad day. Did you know that I listen to sad songs and think up sad scenes just to make me cry? Does that make me a bad person? Does that suggest that... Idk, I'm not satisfied? I wish I was "the college student," but not the college student that goes to a party every day and hooks up with some random person. I have my own standards and morals. I think I'm feeling this way, this two-sided way about college, because maybe, I just don't wanna be apart of that scene. Believe it or not, I'd rather spend a night at home with a friend watching a movie than going to a party with that same friend. Am I mentally "too old" for the college scene? Eww, what's wrong with me? Too be quite frank, I'm hella happy that I'm separated from high school friends (well, most, since SJSU is filled with EV kids, haha). It gives me a chance to just recollect everything and just think about what happened during those 4 years. I talked to Randy about this, about how I should just give everyone a second chance, a blank slate, "Tabula Rasa" (teehee, not only from Psych class, but also from Buffy). But it's easier said than done. How can you give someone a second chance when they hella hurt you in ways that they don't even know? I'm broken. I'm damaged. I'm underestimated. I'm underappreciated. I'm... ranting. I guess that's my sad blog for the month. Don't expect me to be this way forever! I promise that I'm more uplifting than this blog proves to be... It's just that I have bad days. Bi-polar mood swings, ya know. Although, one thing that did make me happy today was listening to Timbaland's: Timbaland Presents Shock Value album. I hella like it.

The "college scene" isn't all partying and getting drunk. That makes up a lot of it, yes, but after you get over the novelty of being there, being free and being at frat parties until 3 AM surrounded by happy and not-so-happy drunks, you kind of do want to just sit at home and watch a movie. And nobody's going to blame you for that.

I haven't gone to a party in how many weekends (I can't even remember).. but just know that it goes both ways. You can't bash until you've had the experience. You know I've sat at home for so many party nights right along with you. And I've also been wasted off my ass here at college. But you can't judge until you've known both, you know? I guarantee you that "college life" is so much more than random hookups and party-hopping. And I hope you find some way to experience it.

Hope you're doing well.

Hello. Was just out blog hopping and read this post.. interesting post. I had to say that in a way, I can relate with how you're feeling (feeling mediocore). I'm stuck at home a lot myself. I'll come back for another read sometime. Nice looking journal :)

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